DANFO BUS RIDE..
‘Agbara, okoko, round about!! Agbara, okoko, badagry round about!!!’
The conductor’s voice was deep and clear amidst the piercing sounds already made by market women, street hawkers, agberos (touts) and other motorists…
It was a very sunny Tuesday afternoon at mile 2 and i’d missed two buses already cause of my inability to jump into a moving bus…an act known as ‘tamo’… I mean, whoever invented that act?? Why’d people start jumping into buses they’d still end up paying for? I just couldn’t comprehend… These thoughts perused my subconscious as i tried to position myself appropriately to jump in to this bus… Luckily for me, it was almost empty…
‘Agbara, okoko, round about!!!’ he yelled even louder seemingly proud of his rickety-fume-vomiting-1952 looking volkswagen bus popularly called ‘danfo’…
‘Okoafor!’ i yelled…
The vehicle had come to a halt for passengers to board…
‘Okoafor, #250’ He said….staring deep in to my eyes, which wasn’t a pretty sight for me cause i was forced to look in to his blood red eyes and dark complexion spiced with his tribal marks….
‘Ah!! no #200? oya be going nau’… i said, refusing to be cheated…
‘na for this fuel scarcity period you wan pay #200? na wa oo… oya wole (enter)’ he said grudgingly…
I boarded the bus, took a sit on the row behind the driver and close enough to perceive the stench the conductor’s presence blessed me with…
I’d carefully surveyed the 12 seater bus that had in attendance a middle aged man with distinctive set of moustache, an alhaja with a very large hijab on, some teenagers, an elderly man with an oversized-faded coat studying a punch newspaper…. i stopped my survey when i spotted the latest passenger…
I mean my eyes almost popped open when i saw this damsel…. Her eyes were like constellation of a million stars, perfectly garnished with a pair of lenses… Her complexion was as fair as the sun, you could get blind staring at her face but won’t mind… Her beauty was pure and in my head, i saw her walking in slow motion…
‘could this be love at first bus ride?’ i wondered… She took her seat next to me and i immediately started plotting my next move….
‘driver move this bus nau!!! do you want us to sleep here?’ alhaja said, sounding pissed off…
Everyone started complaining and all i could hear was ‘sleep here….father’s house’ but everyone stayed mute when the man in lenses protested…
‘don’t mind them…that’s how they expediently exude such cacodemonic differentia contributing to the putrescence of this country’…
‘oh..oh.. Mr. Lecturer we hail thee’… Alhaja said sarcastically…
The bus was filled and had started moving when a young man walked in… well dressed in a suit and tie… He sat next to my ‘sisi palanga’ and i felt intimidated… A lady had led the entire congregation in prayers and a short exhortation nobody listened to…
‘owo mi da?’ (where’s my money?).. The conductor had started receiving his contributions…The guy next to my damsel had opted to pay her fare, making me furious…Then i knew he wasn’t the one when he said,
‘baybay, what’s uputunu? i am Emeka flom Emeka and blothers enterplyz… off no. 2.. idumota ragos… we are dirers of fairy used erectlonics and china ploducts ‘ he said in baritone…
This sent her smiling eventhough she said ‘ok’…
‘baybay, so what is ya name?’ he continued…
‘Bella’ she said…………
‘driver!!!!! do you want to kill us??? how can you be making calls while driving?’ the middle aged man shouted…
‘dliver, stop that lubbish…iwa ta go?? I willi not sit for hia andy watch you lubbish my rife.. nooonchens!!!’… the ibo merchant said…
‘driver!!!!!! ejo…ori ope ni!! you think is easy to be an alhaja? you had better respect yourself before i deal with you’… alhaja said…
The driver quickly dropped his phone while the igbo merchant continued his conversation with “Bella”..
A young lady stood up to speak… Dressed in a corporate attire, she looked really smart…
‘Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Evelyn Chisom i’m from Dr. Ekwuedo and sons herbal and healing center and i’m here today with 1 of our most potent drugs’…
She brought out a bottle containing an oily substance… ‘this is called divine palm oil… now this isn’t just another palm oil.. it was discovered at an abandoned forest in the eastern coast of india….’ she said
‘scientists have proven that this palm oil cures sickle cell, cancer, staphylococcus, brain damage, brain decay, impotence, weak erection, low sperm count, infertility, malaria and typhoid… it is very powerful and works better when added to meals like beans and rice’ she continued…
‘if you don’t take this oil, then your understanding needs to be touched… we normally sell at #2,000 per bottle but today, we’d be giving it out at just #200’…. She ended her speech convincingly and sat back after making some sales….
‘Conductor my change!! you’ve been saying that there’s no change for the past 30minutes… this is how i forgot my #400 change last week…oloshi!!’ The conductor chose to ignore the lady but gave her the change instead…
silence for a while as we approached iyana oba broken by talks about politics… So i decided to focus on the igbo merchant and Bella… She had been giving him monosyllabic replies all along…
‘mummy willy you come to my house and sleep?’ he asked..
‘sleep? how??’
‘baybay, hehehe odiegwu… stop doing as if it isi ya first time’
she frowned at him and tried hard to control the rage she felt inside…. He surprisingly got the message and pulled back…
my phone rang and it was one of my clients to confirm my bank details… ‘Yes….. Michael Oscar… firstbank.. yes’.. The call ended…
‘are you Michael? the writer on facebook?’ she asked in shock…
‘Yes?’.. the happiness metre had risen and i tried hard to restrict myself…
‘wow…I’m Bella Philips …..i thought you looked familiar….i love your stories…i mean, they are always inspiring.. wow’..she says with a very bright smile on her face…
‘oh…Bella…nice to meet you…finally..’. i tried to remain calm even though my heart had totally melted…
‘Okoafo!!’ the conductor’s voice interrupts ..
‘okoafo owa!’ i replied…disappointed
‘Bella it’s my stop, maybe we could chat much later?’ i asked…
‘ok..cool’…
I alighted the vehicle feeling fulfilled… I’d had my fair share of life in a danfo and it felt special….